In previous blog posts I’ve spoke about what I went through throughout my childhood [It’s Your Own Fault, I’m A Problem Child & April Fools’ (Not)]. I didn’t have the best upbringing and I’ve never hidden that from others. I’d be lying if I said I’ve healed from what happened, I’ve not. I still hurt, I still question why, I still don’t have the closure I need. But I have come leaps and bounds from the trauma of my childhood and this post is going to be all about how I’ve began to heal. Healing is a journey with no set destination so it might happen quicker for you, or vice versa it might take longer, but hopefully this post will help you along your way. It’s written about being physically abused however, you can take the same advice and use it for anything you’ve been through.
Forgive yourself. Unfortunately you will never have the answers to questions like “what did I do to deserve this?”. Some people are evil monsters, some are just troubled souls, but regardless of what type of person they are it’s not your fault. Unless you’ve done something unthinkable you don’t deserve to be hurt. Nobody has the right to hurt you. You didn’t deserve it and the sooner you can begin to realise you’re not at fault the sooner you can begin to heal. People have their own troubles and that’s not a reflection of you.
Don’t get upset by their perspective, because its exactly that. It’s very easy for people to see things with blinkers on. They don’t always have the ability to self reflect so even after you’ve escaped from the hurt they might still be in your ear telling you that you hurt them. Don’t let this stop you from healing, remember that they don’t want to understand why you reacted to their behaviour. They don’t want to understand that they hurt you. They want to look at the situation and only see your reaction. You can’t change their perspective of what happened so there is no sense in allowing their perspective to dampen your shine.
Learn to love yourself. You can only do this once you’ve completed the first two steps. After trauma we begin to hate ourselves, especially when we’ve blamed ourselves. You can feel lost and alone which can cause issues with your self image. To move forward you need to find yourself again, and love the person you’ve become. Yes you have been hurt but it has made you stronger than you ever have been before. It’s taught you have to survive. And whilst you might still be struggling you are not worthless just because someone else abused their power. A crumpled £20 note is still worth £20 and you are still priceless.
Use your trauma as motivation! If you look back at what you went through as a learning curve then you really have no limits. If you want to prove someone wrong, use that as motivation. If you want a better life for your family than they did, use that as motivation. If you want to be a better person/parent/friend than them, use that as motivation. Don’t allow it to become obsessive because that in itself is a whole other issue, but if you can use your past to fuel your future then go ahead! You can do whatever you put your mind to and if your motivation comes from the people who hurt you then why not turn something bad into something good? I have to say though, don’t become competitive, don’t become obsessive, don’t try to show them your better off. It’s not about sniping back at them, everything you do should be purely for yourself because if you’re doing it for them to see you’re not really healing, which brings us smoothly into my next point…
Let go of the people who hurt you. I made the mistake of not doing this. Don’t try to check their social media, don’t try to see into their lives. There’s so many reasons for this and I won’t lie it’s one of the things I’m really struggling with. Once you start it’s so hard to stop. You will only upset yourself, they might posts things that you don’t like, you might retaliate and you end up poisoning each other’s lives again. The fact of the matter is social media is the biggest mask to a person, you will compare your life to there’s when the life you’re seeing could easily be a facade. You don’t know what the reality of their life is, and so if you keep checking on them you’re competing for no prize, you’re fuelling arguments for no reason, and you’re holding yourself back. Let go of people, and if you’re finding it hard forgive yourself. Slowly but surely you will be able to let go.
Don’t let your past stop you from doing anything. It’s really quite simple but it might not be possible for a while. You may feel anxious, you may feel insecure, you need time to heal. But at the end of your healing journey you need to be able to look at any situation and say I can do this. And if you can’t, the reason cannot come back to your past. There comes a point that once you’re healed enough your trauma cannot have any control over your life otherwise you’re not fully healed. It will take time but one day the time will come.
“Flowers grow back, even after they’re stepped on.
So will I.”