It’s been a few days since I last posted on both my twitter and my blog as I took some time to do some self reflection. A certain situation “boiled over” if you will, but I think it was for the best as it’s lead to a happier scenario for everyone involved which lead to me taking a step back. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I hope it’s the same for everyone involved.
Moving on, during my period of reflection I took a trip to see my GP where we discussed my medication. For those of you who don’t already know I suffer with BPD and agoraphobia with panic disorder, so I take mirtazapine (Remeron in the U.S.) and propanolol (Inderal) mostly to calm my anxiety. Now mirtazapine is a great anti-depressant and it’s been a great help with my anxiety. I can’t fault it for its effectiveness but as of late I’ve been living in a constant state of dissociation. It’s like walking through a constant smog, you feel heavy, you feel lethargic, and you don’t really “feel”. I can get through a whole day and do everyday tasks like cooking my dinner, going to the shop, and I know I’ve done them but I don’t recall them. It’s hard to explain, I recall that I’ve done a given task, but whereas a “normal” person might be able to say:
“I went to the shop today, and I saw my friend John there, we spoke about his wife and their recent holiday to Mallorca.”
I’ll probably remember I went to the shop and spoke to John. Nine times out of ten I couldn’t tell you what we spoke about because my brain has been so dissociated throughout the conversation. As someone who has spent most of their life being quite intelligent, articulate, and analytical I can’t begin to explain the frustration I feel about this. Especially when I’m learning new skills such as driving, it’s never inhibited me from doing things but it’s become an area for concern when my brain can’t focus on the task at hand, and sometimes can’t even remember what I’ve been taught. So I went to see my GP about this and told him my worries about taking my driving test in just 2 weeks whilst living in this “smog”. At first I thought perhaps he would take me off the mirtazapine which was a bit of a worry because it’s the only antidepressant really known for having a sedative effect which helps me sleep, but he was actually quite keen for me to continue taking them for that reason, and the fact he’s improved my mental health by at least 85%. He suggested that I can take either 15mg or 30mg a day depending on what I feel is suitable. If I’m doing something that requires a lot of focus then I can take 15mg, or if I’m feeling particularly low or anxious then I can take 30mg, and if I decide to come down to 15mg or stay 30mg permanently in the future then that’s fine too. Today was my first day taking 15mg just as a bit of an experiment really, I thought better to see how much my mood suffers when I can stay at home than to wait until I have a driving lesson and have some sort of a breakdown behind the wheel, you know, better safe than sorry, right? And I have to say it’s been a huge success! I feel so much better, I wouldn’t say the smog has cleared, it doesn’t ever fully clear whilst you take mirtazapine that’s just the nature of the medication, but I can definitely function a lot better at this level. I’ve been able to focus for longer that five minutes without my head floating off into La La Land. I’ve been able to think, articulate what I’m thinking, and not feel like a blithering idiot. I can’t say the effect it’s had on my anxiety yet as I’ve not left the house today but so far so good for sure. I won’t be staying at this level just yet as my GP advised that suddenly dropping down can cause my emotions to crash, but if I continue to feel this good over the next few weeks I think it’s a definite possibility.
Even before I regained some clarity I’ve been reflecting on certain aspects of my life and with the help of a friend I’ve been able to move forward. I’ve got a lot to be proud of and negative aspects have been far too ‘present’. But now that we’ve all been able to move passed it I’ve got a clearer view of the things I want to be focusing on. I’m not getting into too much detail on here because some of them are personal to me but irrelevant to an outsider, but some of the bigger things are:
- My blog: I’ve been quite intermittent with my posts especially on twitter, so I’m going to be bringing in the new year with some great blog ideas for you all, using it as a platform for some very positive ideas.
- My surgery: this goes without saying, this is a huge event in my life.
- My home: I’ve got some great ideas to make my flat a home, so I’ll be making these ideas a reality.
- My education: I never got my A-Levels because of situations at home so whilst I’m recovering from my surgery I’ll be furthering my education.
In conclusion this is a ‘fresh start’ if you will. Not the sort where you change your diet, your look and your self in general, just a reshuffling of priorities. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the upcoming blog posts I have in store. I won’t be posting until after Christmas now so have a very happy Christmas to you all!